Your Self-Care Day Shouldn’t Be A Burden. The Joy Of Letting Go Of Self-Care Shame.

I hear one of two things almost all the time when I am talking to people about self-care.

The first is "I know I should do more self-care" which is usually followed with a sheepish look and a glance downwards like people don't want to make eye contact with me.

The other is "I am really selfish (or "the queen") of my self-care.” Which is usually followed with a body stance of bravado, or just general acceptance that what was just said feels like it isn't allowed.

Both are bullshit.

And I am here to tell you why.

For starters, they are two sides of the same shame coin that people serve to apologize for counting themselves as a person worthy of deep care, nourishment, and ultimately love.

So, let's shift our mindset, and talk about it.

“I Know I Should Do More Self-Care”

I call this “shame, side A”.

There are so many things we are supposed to be doing in life.  Be at every PTA meeting, every event, stay late, get up early and exercise, floss twice a day, and make sure we are making time for “me time”.  I actually hate this guilt-ridden description of how we should be caring for ourselves.  It makes self-care seem like something we can either buy a ticket to, or something to check off of a to-do list.  And neither one of those descriptions is accurate.

Often times when I hear someone say “I should do more self-care” what they really are saying is “nobody has taught me how to prioritize myself without guilt” or “I am struggling, and I have no idea where to start” or “I am overwhelmed and the thought of adding something else to my plate makes me want to cry”.

I don’t want any of those scenarios for either of us, so I am going to encourage you to reframe your thoughts on caring for yourself in general.  Caring for yourself is something that quite likely you were only taught the very basic fundamentals of.  Feed yourself.  Clothe yourself.  Find a job so you can pay for some shelter. Go to the doctor when you are sick.  Get your teeth checked. Hydrate, you glorious unicorn. 

These are the basics—or the bottom of that pyramid of needs everyone is always talking about.  It is important that you do those things, to ensure your survival.  But we live in a modern time where a good chunk of us in the Western world have those needs met.  So we need to talk about the nuance, the subtlety, the next level of caring for ourselves.

This is where we discuss things like mental health, relationships, meaning and purpose, and our connectedness to humans around us.  The next level of self-care isn’t something we were taught by our parents.  So we will need to learn it as a new skill.

Learning new things is often difficult.  It involves letting go of thoughts, ideas, and beliefs that are in contradiction to what we need to learn.  It means we are bad at it when we first start.  It means we have to practice in order to get better. 

This is the fundamental truth: self-care is a skill.

“I am really selfish—I am good at my self-care routine.” #selfcarequeen

This, to me, becomes the opposite side of this shame coin.  Don’t get me wrong, I want you to do all of the self-care things you need in order to feel supported, whole, and improving your life…but this idea that if you stick to things that you do for yourself makes you selfish—well that’s gotta go.

That assumption, that you need to be royalty, or selfish, in order to be a person who cares for and thinks of themselves with the same dedication that you think of others is rooted in patriarchal thinking.  Especially for those humans who were born and gendered female, we were taught that we should be doing for others before we do for ourselves.  Anything other than this was selfish.

I reject that attitude outright. 

You do not need to be a queen or selfish in order to prioritize yourself with the same dedication that you prioritize other people.  While this isn’t as basic as food and shelter, this IS a basic of modern life for those whose survival needs have been met.

You count, as much as everyone else.  That’s a fundamental idea we all can agree to.

Your self-care isn't selfish. But also, isn’t just for the privileged few. It is a skill.  Something learned, iterated, shifted, improved upon, and is fluid over time. There isn't anything inherently good or bad about it, it is. It is a function of your mindset that you are, above all else, worthy of your own love, time, attention, and care.

That is non-negotiable.  And nothing to be ashamed of.

 Want to know more about Sunlight’s Self-Care Strategy? Join us on our virtual retreat July 28-30th, 2023. Grab your tickets here.