The Truth Isn’t Out There. The Mindset of Self-Care.

Have you ever had a great idea?

An idea that felt good in your bones.

One that both took your breath away and made your pulse quicken.

 Maybe it was to start a blog, build a business, invent a product, reach out to a stranger, or pitch an idea to someone you didn't know. And then you ran it by...someone.

Honestly, in this scenario, almost anyone is would count. And that someone likely said “Great idea! But don’t you think you should…” The corrected, expanded on, or shot down your idea because they didn’t understand it. They didn’t see the vision, the idea, the potential

It is worth wondering why it is that you were seeking out validation for your own opinion. We all do this, all the time. fact, as a culture, we might be addicted to asking other people what they think. Instagram has a FOTD (fit of the day) for you to ask about what you are wearing. You can ask people how your cooking looks, how your singing sounds, if you should hire this plumber vs. that plumber, or if you are doing the right thing as a parent.

But if you dig deeper into why you are always asking everyone else for their opinions you might come up against a startling reality.  You will ask anyone’s opinion else besides yourself.

Learning how to trust yourself is a huge part of your own self-care. Learning not only to ask yourself, but to decide, do a task, put on an outfit, or style your living room without the input of anyone else might be harder than you think. Try it.  Do something that seems big, or kind of big, or even minor like moving that chair and don’t ask anyone before or after.  Do it because it makes you feel pleasure and joy. And that pleasure and joy exists even if Great Aunt Edna never saw a picture of it, your bestie Tracy didn’t approve it, or your Facebook friends didn’t vote to see what pillow you should put on it.

Self-Care Involves Nobody Else But You.

Often times when I am teaching self-care workshops to groups of women, I will use the statement “if you aren’t finding the motivation to care for yourself, remember you are teaching your daughter how to care for herself”. Women will quite often agree to do something for other people, but neglect themselves.  I am no different. 

Honestly though, I am going to stop using that language.  I think this kind of language is part of the toxic guilt culture that we lay at people’s feet—especially the feet of women.  You aren’t good enough because you haven’t done self-care routines, exercised, done your taxes, cleaned your house, and had mind-blowing sex with your partner.  But, and answer honestly, when was the last time you decided that someone who made you feel bad was the person to guide you through a big life shift?  Sure, shame and guilt can be short-term solutions for getting motivated to start something big, but as a long-term strategy, we need something else.

We need to acknowledge that it is okay to do something just for ourselves. And that statement is a fact.  Actually, in order to have a rich and full life living among other humans, it is a necessity.  And that is what I want to talk about today.  The mindset shift is required to allow us to acknowledge that self-care is an inside job, an inside realization, and an inside journey.  The truth is not out there.  It has been inside you this whole time.

Ask The Experts

Now this becomes a tricky thing.  I am a self-care expert, and the reason you are likely reading this blog is that you are asking me to be an expert on this topic.  But sometimes an expert is just there to nudge you in the right direction.  And that is the role I am taking here.

For my own journey, I find myself often asking forums, friends, colleagues, and even casual acquaintances for opinions on things that I truly need to figure out on my own.  How much should I charge for this program?  Does your yoga studio in Delaware have a virtual class at 5:00 am, and should I do it?  Are you covering your flowers tonight for the frost?  Should I trust this plumber?  Read this book?  Watch this show?  Dye my hair? 

How often do you truly tap into your own opinions about yourself?  We are excellent at telling other people what we think about what they should do but often shy away from asking ourselves those deep questions about ourselves.  Should I get bangs?  <real question> Should I face my fears that other people might find that I am not attractive enough?  Should I buy that wild-printed top?  <real question> Should I face why I don’t like being the center of attention? 

Oftentimes surface-level questions can reveal some deeper and more uncomfortable things.  And if we are honest, as humans we aren’t always so good at being uncomfortable.

The Addiction

We live in an external culture. Show the receipts, prove it happened, ask me anything and I will answer. But this often causes a disconnect in our own self-care. When we cannot take care of our own needs from our own experience first then asking people’s opinions constantly can become a crutch. It is another way we seek validation from others instead of diving deeper into getting to know ourselves. Too often we can't make a move, find a hobby, or come up with a new idea, without other people knowing about it.

This is a habit that is difficult to break.  Ask the internet for opinions on which glasses to wear.  Then buy the favorites.  As the internet what to do in your business, on your vacation, in your own home town for the day.  Then go do it, even if it is something you might not want to do.

What if you decided for a whole week, month, or (if you are me) year even—that you would stop asking other people’s opinions?  What do you think would happen?

Would you find freedom?

Honestly probably not at first.

What you might find is a big panic.  You might find that you aren’t often asking yourself how you feel, what you deeply think, or what your opinion of your appearance is.  You are looking at yourself through the lens of other people.  Through the experience of other people. Through the timeline of other people. 

When in all honestly, the person you should be asking is yourself.

Trust us, you are worth the look.

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